Lawyer Jokes

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. And whats the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Jewelry. If someones not laughing in the room when you tell these jokes, chances are good its a lawyer. Either he didnt understand the humor of it or hes looking for witnesses so he can take you to court. Lets face it, lawyer jokes are funny. Theyre not the most beloved profession out there and even though our entire justice system rests on their briefs, uh, shoulders, we think that they too can see the lighter side of their calling.

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Found 11 jokes in the topic of Lawyer.
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"A middle-aged lawyer and an attractive blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from New York to London. The blonde is trying to get a little sleep, while the lawyer is vainly attempting to impress the blonde with his wit and intelligence. The blonde ignores the lawyer until he suggests a little wager.
Lawyer: Would you like to play a game? I ll first ask you a question. If you can t answer it, using any means at your disposal, you give me $5. Then if I can t answer one of your questions, I ll give you $500.
Blonde: Sure, why not?
Lawyer: Great. What s the circumference of the earth?
Blonde: (quietly hands him $5 from her purse) Okay, my turn. What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down the hill with four?
The lawyer is stumped. He starts jotting down ideas, searches the net via the plane s in-seat phone, then finally calls up a few friends, all without luck. After over an hour, he finally wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. She thanks him for the money and closes her eyes, but the lawyer can t contain himself.
Lawyer: Wait! What was the answer?
Blonde I don t know. She hands him five dollars. Then she goes back to sleep."

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"ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?"

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"ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?"

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"ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?"

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"ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?"

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"Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No.""

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Featured Book: The Most Brilliant Thoughts of All Time (In Two Lines or Less) by John M. Shanahan

You don't have to be a genius to sound like one. Here's a collection of the most profound and provocative wit and wisdom in the English language in two lines or less. Edited by entrepreneur John M. Shanahan, who created the wildly successful Hooked on Phonics program, this wonderful book presents the best that has been thought and said on every imaginable topic.

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"Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?""

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