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Jack Handy Quotes

Found 197 quotes by Jack Handy .
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"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."
Jack Handy
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handy
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"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
Jack Handy
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handy
Laughter
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"If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny."
Jack Handy
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handy
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"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?"
Jack Handy
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handy
Brains
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"When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges."
Jack Handy
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handy

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"If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not."
Jack Handy
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handy
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"Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo."
Jack Handy
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handy
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"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
Jack Handy
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handy
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"Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games."
Jack Handy
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handy
People
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"What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?"
Jack Handy
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handy
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"If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine."
Jack Handy
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handy
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"One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse"
Jack Handy
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handy
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"If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!"
Jack Handy
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handy
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"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture."
Jack Handy
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handy

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