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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Found 161 quotes by Mitch Hedberg .
[ Page 1 of 9 ]
Mitch Hedberg
"I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs."
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly..."
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
"I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
"On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at..."
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
"Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss!"
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
"I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
"I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
"I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake."
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
"You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast."
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty."
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
"My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first."
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right."
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
"I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen."
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
"My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?"
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
"I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential."
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"
Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

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