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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Found 161 quotes by Mitch Hedberg .
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Mitch Hedberg

"I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs." Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg

"I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly..." Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

"I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it." Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

"On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at..." Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

"Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss!" Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

"I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy." Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg

"I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..." Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg

"I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake." Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

"You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast." Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty." Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

"My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first." Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right." Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

"I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen." Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

"My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause." Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'" Mitch Hedberg
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

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