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Funny American Comedian Quotes

Found 2,791 quotes in the topic of Funny American Comedian .
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Robin Williams
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robin_Williams
American Comedian Funny
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"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself."
Johnny Carson
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Carson
American Comedian Death Funny
Rodney Dangerfield
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
Rodney Dangerfield
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rodney_Dangerfield
American Comedian Funny
P. J. O'Rourke
"Earnestness is stupidity sent to college."
P. J. O'Rourke
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P._J._O%27Rourke
American Comedian College Funny
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"When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."
Elayne Boosler
American Comedian Country Funny Quote of the Day
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"James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was."
Will Ferrell
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Ferrell
American Comedian Funny

Featured Book: The Most Brilliant Thoughts of All Time (In Two Lines or Less) by John M. Shanahan

You don't have to be a genius to sound like one. Here's a collection of the most profound and provocative wit and wisdom in the English language in two lines or less. Edited by entrepreneur John M. Shanahan, who created the wildly successful Hooked on Phonics program, this wonderful book presents the best that has been thought and said on every imaginable topic.
David Letterman
"I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red."
David Letterman
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Letterman
American Comedian Funny
Robin Williams
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
Robin Williams
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robin_Williams
American Comedian Drugs Funny
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"If it had been what was supposed to happen, it would have happened."
Allan Houston
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allan_Houston
American Comedian Funny
George Burns
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Burns
American Comedian Birthday Funny Life
Steven Wright
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
Steven Wright
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Wright
American Comedian Birthday Funny
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"I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing."
Johnny Carson
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Carson
American Comedian Funny
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"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
Josh Billings
American Comedian Animals Funny
Emo Philips
"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."
Emo Philips
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emo_Philips
American Comedian Funny Speech
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"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."
Johnny Carson
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Carson
American Comedian Funny

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