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Funny American Comedian Quotes

Found 2,791 quotes in the topic of Funny American Comedian .
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Robin Williams
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robin_Williams
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Rodney Dangerfield
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
Rodney Dangerfield
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rodney_Dangerfield
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"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself."
Johnny Carson
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Carson
P. J. O'Rourke
"Earnestness is stupidity sent to college."
P. J. O'Rourke
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P._J._O%27Rourke
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"When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."
Elayne Boosler
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"James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was."
Will Ferrell
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Ferrell

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David Letterman
"I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red."
David Letterman
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Letterman
Robin Williams
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
Robin Williams
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robin_Williams
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"If it had been what was supposed to happen, it would have happened."
Allan Houston
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allan_Houston
Steven Wright
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
Steven Wright
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Wright
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"I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing."
Johnny Carson
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Carson
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"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
Josh Billings
Emo Philips
"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."
Emo Philips
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emo_Philips
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"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."
Johnny Carson
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Carson
Groucho Marx
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
Groucho Marx
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groucho_Marx
Groucho Marx
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groucho_Marx
W. C. Fields
"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler."
W. C. Fields
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/W._C._Fields
Groucho Marx
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
Groucho Marx
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groucho_Marx
Robert Benchley
"Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?"
Robert Benchley
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Benchley
Phyllis Diller
"If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like."
Phyllis Diller
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phyllis_Diller

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