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Funny British Comedian Quotes

Found 311 quotes in the topic of Funny British Comedian .
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"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Eric Morecambe
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Morecambe
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"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"
Tommy Cooper
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tommy_Cooper
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"I feel like I'm working on an oil rig right now. I'm away from home a lot."
Hugh Laurie
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hugh_Laurie
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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
Tommy Cooper
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tommy_Cooper
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"There is barely a country in the world where you will be completely safe."
Michael Palin
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Palin
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"If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid."
Eddie Izzard
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eddie_Izzard

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"Dressing up as decrepit old ladies, and even decrepit young ladies, was one of our staples."
Graham Chapman
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graham_Chapman
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"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Merton
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"Never put a sock in a toaster."
Eddie Izzard
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eddie_Izzard
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"I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside."
Ken Dodd
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ken_Dodd
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"World War II... did not happen to everyone, but it happened to most. There were people from Germany who were throwing bombs at us."
Graham Chapman
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graham_Chapman
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"At the risk of sounding hopelessly romantic, love is the key element. I really love to play with different musicians who come from different cultural backgrounds."
John McLaughlin
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"Recently, my personal advisors have been telling me to go to America. Actually, people have been walking up to me in the street and telling me to sod off, but that's the same thing, isn't it?"
Alexei Sayle
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexei_Sayle
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"If you travel to the States... they have a lot of different words than like what we use. For instance: they say 'elevator', we say 'lift'; they say 'drapes', we say 'curtains'; they say 'president', we say 'seriously deranged git.'"
Alexei Sayle
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexei_Sayle
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"Only in spontaneity can we be who we truly are."
John McLaughlin
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"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"
Tommy Cooper
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tommy_Cooper
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"On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'."
Paul Merton
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Merton
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"I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure."
Tommy Cooper
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tommy_Cooper
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"They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'"
Eddie Izzard
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eddie_Izzard
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"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
Tommy Cooper
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tommy_Cooper

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