"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judy_Garland
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robin_Williams
"I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs."
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Einstein
"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself."
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Carson
"It's not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on."
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marilyn_Monroe
"Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin .. it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring."
"A true friend remembers your birthday but not your age."
"I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my wife to go swimming."
"Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong."
"Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: Hold my purse."
"The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything: the young know everything."
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oscar_Wilde
"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_McCloskey
"One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter."
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lewis_Carroll
"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason"
Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jerry_Seinfeld